What I Ate Today #6 -- Why I've Been Away

I have a really bad head cold and sinusitis. Went to the gym last night and not sure it was a good idea. Couldn't sleep the entire night. Anyway, working on feeling better.

(Will write everything down and count calories later --too exhausted to look that up now)

Intake:

Breakfast: 1/2 bagel w/ butter, 2/3 navel orange, 2/3 medium banana, thyme tisane, a vitamin C fizzy tablet
Lunch: Rest of the navel orange from breakfast (1/3), 1 tbsp tuna with hot sauce, 1 boiled egg, a slice of wheat toast, most of a persian cucumber sliced
Dinner:
Exercise:

"Chicken, turkey, orange roughy, tuna, egg whites, oatmeal, blueberries, steamed vegetables, brown rice, wheat bread, bran muffins, nuts --all weighed and documented--were my stable of foods I was allowed to eat. Most other things were not part of the program. "

Wish me better!

I've gained weight from yesterday, I can feel it. Ate sunflower seeds yesterday + day before. Those are the culprits. Never again.Sore throat today.

What I Ate Today #5 + Weigh In #1 (148.8)

Good news! Everything I ate stayed just as I had written it down yesterday: no unexpected snacks or binges. This morning I decided to weigh myself to find that I have lost at least 1.2 lbs! Yay. I know that before I started this I was actually slightly over 150. So although I don't know the exact number I've lost, it's good.

Today, I have a few different things that I need to do. It's so, so difficult to feel motivated in my situation. I am living in relational hell, surrounded with emotional abuse and severe mental illness that is not acknowledged. It gets very tiring to live with that type of person (or more than one if that's the case). Unfortunately, I have neither the heart nor the money to abandon the situation.

So it just often feels like I exist but I'm not trying at all because no part of this is what I wanted. I want that to change... it's part of why I started this... I want to feel successful. I want to have a goal and achieve it. Maybe that will give me the motivation to try and to be my own person.

I'm really annoyed by how slow this has to be... I want to change faster. I'm sick of my flab.


Breakfast: Toast (95), jam (16), 1/2 banana (50), 3 strawberries (17). 1/2 scoop protein (55), green tea (0) --233

Lunch: Bagel (different from yesterday's) (250), 2 tbsp hummus (70), cucumber (5), pickle (5), hot sauce (10), mustard (0), green tea (0)

Lunch continued: I felt really weak and light-headed, so I ate 2.5 oz of cooked salmon from yesterday  (170 -with tiny bit of pesto sauce on it), 1/2 bagel (125), 1 tbsp hummus (35)    (660)


Total: (so far) 893

Exercise: (morning) ~100 calories, dancing, lunging. walking around, doing squats for 30 minutes. Lots of sweat.

What I Ate Today #4

So I binged AGAIN yesterday. You'd think I'd learn something and I did. I learned that I probably have to up my calories instead of expecting my out of shape body to reach the same calorie goals I could realistically reach when I was 30 pounds lighter. This body needs more food, even to lose weight. So I'm going to just eat for a couple of days, and then see how many calories I'm eating, and how much I can reduce without bringing on a binge.

I don't want to purge like last night. I purged and it sucked. I remember when I used to purge so often that I'd vomit involuntarily when my stomach was full --even when I didn't want to throw up. My teeth have acid wear on them and I was the type who thought brushing immediately after a purge was advisable... I know.

Anyway, I don't want to do that. And I want to be able to think and have energy. I just don't want to eat our of control or eat crap. So I have to find that sweet spot, where I am eating clean and losing the fat, but where I can also think and be able to get on with my day.

Here's what today looked like:

Breakfast: Toast (90), 1/2 tbsp pb (50), 1/2 tbsp peach jam (16) - smoothie: most of small banana (85), four strawberries (23), 1/2 scoop vega protein (55) --- 319 

Lunch: whole wheat bagel (290), 2/3 pickle (4), 3 tbsp hummus (75), 1/2 tbsp mayo (20), cucumber (7), hot sauce (10) --smoothie: four strawberries (23), small banana (90), 1/2 scoop vega protein (55)  -- 574

Dinner: whole wheat bagel (290), 3 oz salmon (180), 1 tbsp mayo (40), mustard and hot sauce (10), pickle (5), pesto (30) --555


Total: 1448

So this is how much I need to eat to feel comfortable I guess. 1448... it's a big number but I guess I'm on the bigger side myself. I want to take things slow only because I know that fast doesn't work. I can't starve because when I starve my brain doesn't work. And I need that to because I have priorities other than weight loss. Plus, if I set a goal of 1500, then I can still feel power over myself, feel in control.

I bought the bagels because from my binges the last three days I could tell my body really, really wanted carbs! And with carbs, I will calm and happy now.

What I Ate Today #3

I only began keeping track of my calories two days ago. In that time, I failed on the first day and I'm sad to report failed on the second day as well (you can see my updated day 2 post below this one). Still, even in that short time, I have gained a sense of calm with my life. I want to keep setting a healthy calorie goal --always healthy, so I don't risk hurting my body.

I just need to read more about how to curb my appetite around dinner and maybe even eat less during the day so that I can actually have a good meal in the evening. Another theory for why I am so light headed and hungry come dinner is that I tend to count everything on the higher side of things... I now know I've been counting my soup calories all wrong. There is NO way a bowl of soup with five beans, a few shreds of kale and cabbage, and a few pieces of carrot and celery, can have so many calories.

Breakfast: packet of sesame crackers (260)
Lunch: BINGE - sandwich (bagel thin, 2 slices veggie bologna, 1tsp mayo, 1tsp sriracha, mustard) (220), 1/2 Timmy's bagel with butter (250), chocolate chip muffin without the chocolate chips (350 UGH!), a navel orange (60)
Dinner: Binge again. I had to/felt like i had to eat mom's slow cooker roast. It was really good but I ate too much obviously. There was mash made with butter and cream and gravy, the whole bit. So I must have hit 1200 or who am I kidding 1400 calories? I purged... something I don't like to do at all. And salvaged about 1,000 of the calories. So I'll put 400 for dinner.

Total - 1540 /1400

Exercise: 250 calories on the arc trainer

What I Ate Today #2

Good morning!

Today started off in a really great way. But before I tell you, I have to come clean about last night: I made a huge mistake by going to bed late, and with the kitchen in close proximity, I went there and ate a total of about 500 calories --a mini binge. Completely unnecessary and preventable by going to bed at a more reasonable time.

I'm still not unhappy about yesterday's intake. Seeing as I have been regularly (lately) eating 3,000 or so calories a day and eating anything and everything indiscriminately, ~2,000 calories is NOT so bad! And the best part is that I know that I can stop that kind of eating by going to bed --or at least to the bedroom-- at about 8:30 or 9:00 p.m. so as to avoid the temptation of the nearby kitchen.

I woke up at around 6:45 a.m. this morning. I knew I had to make a change and go to the gym --I usually tell myself I will go later in the day, but often get off to a bad food start and then skip altogether because I feel bad about myself. So this morning, I decided I had to go no matter what.

After getting dressed, I noticed I had a lot of anxiety about going. Working out at home that early would have been outside of my comfort zone, but getting up and going to the gym was downright anxiety inducing. So I pulled out my phone and meditated for a good 10 minutes with the "Calm" app. It is an amazing meditation app that offers a variety of "scenery" videos and sounds to help silence the mind.

It worked!!

After that, I got up and went to the gym, where I stayed for 45-50 minutes, doing cardio on the Arc Trainer and burning a total of 400 calories. 

Yay! Very proud of myself.

Now, I'm eating breakfast, which is 1.5 tsp of Rolo hot chocolate powder and a packet of oatmeal! I'll likely drink some tea after, as well. Have very high hopes for today.

Intake:

Breakfast: 1.5 tsp Rolo hot chocolate powder (40), 1 packet oatmeal (160)

Lunch: Big bowl of soup from yesterday (200), sandwich (230), Jello (16)

Dinner: four cups of popcorn (124), 12 fresh small nacho chips (idk... 150?), a sandwich (230), a boiled egg (80), some soup (50), leftover piece of burrito (250?) ....FAIL

Snacks:one medium-large banana (110), one tbsp peanut butter (100 ... didn't realize this was so high!!)

One egg white (17), mustard (0), sriracha (5), pickle (5), celery (5)

Total: 1772 /1400 :(

Exercise: 

400 calories burned on Arc Trainer


 I want to start writing down ways I could improve. One big thing is the bagel thins... they have 160 calories, but thin buns from Weight Watchers only have 100. The oatmeal packet comes with a lot of sugar, so if I could get my own rolled oats, then I could save calories there too and use stevia. The peanut butter has a ton of calories. I've heard of a thing called pb2 and I don't know if I can get it here, but that has far fewer calories. 

And here's some inspiration from my favourite model:

What I Ate Today #1

I live for new beginnings. It's so nice to start something new: a new project, a new routine, a new job. Oh the sense of purpose that comes from having a purpose and a deadline, I can almost hear the whoosh. My goal is lose weight, gain definition (look toned), get better skin, and my deadline is as soon as possible.

Weight: __ Couldn't bear the scale. I let go and ate lots of junk the last few days thanks to emotional stress. Around 150, though.

Intake:

Breakfast - Nothing

Lunch - Big salad: half a head of romaine, a cup of cut cucumber, 1/2 cup grape tomatoes, two boiled eggs, 1/8 cup walnuts, and 2 tbsp honey dijon dressing (500)

Snacks - packet of oatmeal, 1.5 tsp hot chocolate powder (200)

Campbell's light tomato soup (100)

10-calorie jello, one strawberry (16)

Dinner - OMG! Ate the best dinner ever. I made vegetable and bean soup (70) and had a bagel thin (160) with two slices of veggie bologna (40), some lettuce and sriracha (10), and 1/2 tbsp of whipped mayo (20) (300 altogether!)

Midnight snack: bagel thin + two veggie slices + 1/2 tbsp mayo (220) Soup (75) Jello (16)

Total: 1,427 <-- happy w/ this!

Recipe for the soup: 

Ingredients:
Green cabbage leaves, kale, carrots, can of pinto beans, celery stalks, veggie bullion cube

I sliced about three cabbage leaves, three large kale leaves, 1/2 small can of pinto beans, 1.5 celery stalks, and put everything in a medium pot of hot water with the bullion cube. In retrospect, I might have used 2/3 of the cube instead of the entire thing as one bullion cube provides 80% of daily sodium intake. Keep in mind that I ate maybe 1/4 of the soup for dinner, so I didn't get that much salt but I'd still rather get less. I cooked the whole thing over medium low for maybe 10-15 minutes. 

Exercise: 

TBA - Snow storm so can't exactly go to gym, but will do something at home

~~~~

LOVE Dolcefoodie on Youtube and her ASMR eating videos. So relaxing & satisfying! This is a recent sandwich one but there are loads on her channel

A Necessary Introduction

It's here that you will find my safe haven, my thoughts on private matters and public ones that I daren't share with the people around me. You will find my food diary, my exercise log, and hopefully accompany me to regaining the healthy weight I lose by gaining a whopping 42 pounds (I've lost 12 by now).

I used to be a very active member of the Xanga weight loss community, and was very sad to see it go when it did years ago. I want to preface this by saying that I have always been at a healthy weight, if not overweight (like now), and I intend to stay that way! I may post photos of skinny people from time to time, or have the elusive goal of being very thin, but I don't intend to ever be that thin. That's because I love my body and I cannot fathom doing things to it to make it undernourished, chronically tired, to make its organs weak, and to make it truly suffer. I beg you to shut off this page and talk to a trusted person if you are unhealthy and need help because of Anorexia Nervosa or other eating disorder. Please!

So what is the point of this blog? The short answer is that I don't know, but the long answer is much more complex. I had an indescribable and absolutely necessary control over my life when I was part of the Xanga community. That's where I kept track of what I ate and how much I exercised. It wasn't so much the calories themselves that mattered, but the fact that I could keep track of my size, my intake, my exercise. No matter what went wrong, I had that constant, that one thing that kept me company and kept me grounded when everything else was uncertain.

I need that again.

Some would advise me to find the same feeling elsewhere, but I don't want to and neither do I have to. At a small-framed 5' 6" and a whopping 150 lbs. I am 30 pounds away from my previously healthy weight (I wasn't very small!)

That's a weight I wish to maintain! Whether five pounds more or less is no matter. But I want to be clear that though images of skinny teenagers --many of whom are likely skinny due to the genetics of their childhood-- sometimes represent the elusive idea of total control, of a certain ascetic superiority (as well as beauty!), I only intend to admire them and never to emulate.